Song Blog

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

 

It Only Works Because You're Here

The phone rings nine times
Before he says "Yes"
She's got a problem with Internet Explorer
And he's the Computer Desk
He waits and takes the lift to her floor and says
"Show me the problem then"
She's mildly mortified to find
That everything's working again

She flushes bright pink
Which he thinks is wonderful
She feels like such a fool
And so she says

It only works because you're here
Before you came it was broken
It only works because you're here
You've got my windows to open

Weeks pass and that's that
Until he gets in late one day
To see she's been and posted a
Post-It Note onto his screen that says
Could you pop up when you've got a minute
He runs up five flights of stairs
To find her computer rebooting
And main site IT guy sat in her chair

He's red-faced and out of breath
Which she thinks is wonderful
She sees he wanted to
Help her, and so she says

It only works because you're here
Before you came it was broken
It only works because you're here
You've got my windows to open




And so he pops in to see her when he's passing
And also when he's not
She's pretty sure that he feels something for her
But she can't say exactly what
He's nervous and he's shy
And that's part of the reason why she likes him

But still the vague chance of romance is not enough
Reason for her to stay
He can't believe it when he's told she's leaving
By her whip-round weilding PA
There's isn't room on the card to fit
All the words that burn in his heart

The situation is horrible
He doesn't know what to do
Until at her leaving do
He puts his hand to his heart and says

It only works because you're here
Before you came it was broken
It only works because you're here
You've got my windows to open


She says You left it a bit bloody late
So let's not waste time now - I think you're GRATE
They kiss. Crowd cheers
Main site IT guy goes home in a flood of tears

posted by MJ Hibbett 10:05 PM

Monday, October 10, 2005

 

Travelling By Train
In the '90's I thought that the way that we live now
Would be changed by the internet so that we'd never leave the house
But instead we spent half our time on planes and bikes and cars
So I would like to recommend a better way by far:
Travelling by train
Let's take them in the order that I said...

I am amazed when I hear people claim
Major cities look the same, whether you're in Europe or in the UK
Maybe it looks like that from the inside of a plane
Or driving down that dreary stretch of airport motorway
But try travelling by train
And from the window watch the landscape change

We will not need to rub in some of your Swiss Army grease
And we will not chafe or get caught on any loose or broken chain
Bikes and tandems like abandoned like morose moraine
We're not getting hot and sweaty or bothered if it rains
We're travelling by train
Relaxing with no need to concentrate

In the car your mind's required to find somewhere to park
And not to go too fast for fear of a fatal camera flash
Stuck in jams in a tin can your mind might start to think
Of service station Cornish Pasties or how you'd like a drink
Try travelling by train
There's beer and crisps and wine and sandwiches in the buffet

Take a train to London and then tube to Waterloo
Eurostar to Paris then the rest is up to you
We could see the South of France or round the coast to Spain
Athens, Venice, through the alps, Berlin and home again
Travelling by train
When we're on the same reservation I don't mind what's the destination
Travelling by train

posted by MJ Hibbett 9:44 AM

Thursday, September 22, 2005

 

The Drummer's Lament
Drummers always have to drive
Then go and park the car
All on their own while the rest of the band
Are hanging out in the bar
And when they've finally struggled back
They'll find that all their kit
Is sat in boxes at the front of the stage
Exactly where they left it

Oh sing with me now
A story that's been sent
From the very depths of time
This is the drummers' lament

The drummer has to soundcheck first
And finish packing last
And worse than this, he cannot drink
Because he's driving back
Despite all this he'd never moan
He takes it on the chin
It makes no difference anyway
His microphone's not plugged in

Oh sing with me now
A story that's been sent
From the very depths of time
This is the drummers' lament

A drummer always says to his children
As Ringo said to Zac
"Don't do what it did son, you'll spend your
life sat at the back"

As Caeser said to Cleapotra
Whilst reclining in his tent
"If you bang me bongoes"
"I'll give you the drummer's lament"

All in all it's a bloody good job
That every percussionist
Gets to work out all his anger
By hitting things, hard, with sticks

posted by MJ Hibbett 9:56 PM

Saturday, May 21, 2005

 

We Only Ever Meet In Church

Here we are again
Sitting in lines and singing the songs
That we used to sing when we saw each other every day

And afterwards we’ll say
How’re you doing? How’s the wife and kids?
I didn’t know you had another baby on the way

And when did we become the kind of friends
Who only ever meet in Church?

Your Christmas Card arrived
And I must say I’m surprised to find
It’s not from the cheapest packet in BHS

It really is quite nice
And inside is an invite to keep the weekend free
At the start of August next

And when did we become the kind of friends
Who only ever meet in Church?

It seems like only yesterday that we were at the christening
Now somehow we're all sitting here again, laughing and listening
To you giving the speech as the father of the bride
In what seems like no time we're coming back
Far Less of us now and now dressed in black
Saying the same things we say every time
Singing the same songs sat in the same lines
And I wonder - when we did we stop asking
Anything new and became locked in aspic
Friends for no better and for no worse
Friends who only ever
Met in church

So here we are again
Jumpered up in a country pub
Celebrating nothing, except the fact that we’re all here

And afterwards we’ll say
If you're going don’t forget to ring
And let us know the next time you’re coming round this way

And don't let us become the kind of friends
Who only ever meet in church

posted by MJ Hibbett 7:26 PM

Saturday, May 07, 2005

 

Better Things To Do

I have never learnt to drive a vehicle
I reckon - how hard can it be
I've never took the time
It takes to learn to fly
I'll pick it up if there's ever a need

Flemish is a language i can't chat in
I'll learnt it if i'm ever off to Brugges
And similarly I cannot speak Latin
I have had much better things to do

Like walking in the park with you
And talking in the dark with you
These have been much better things to do

I've no idea how to route a network
I've got no way to know which routers what
I've not been on a course
To learn to program C++
I frankly could not give a toss for DOS

And I'll drink whatever wine's put on the table
With vineyards I find I've not got a clue
I'll rarely even read what's on the label
I have got much better things to do

Like watching DVDs with you
And drinking cups of tea with you
These have been much better things to do

La la la la la
I could not be arsed
To write some words to put into this part
So la la la la la
Better things to do

Day dreaming in another dreary meeting
I caught a glimpse of 2109
Where a grateful nation's wired up for hearing
The final thoughts of their President For Life

Someone said "Lord Hibbett, do you have regrets, sir?"
I said yes I guess I must have had a few
I'd like to ride more trams
But otherwise Je Ne Regrette Riens
I must have had much better things to do

Like waking up at last with you
And making time fly fast with you
These have been much better things to do

posted by MJ Hibbett 12:46 PM

Sunday, April 24, 2005

 

Hey William

Hey William don't worry
About the things you haven't done today
You'll have all that time again tomorrow
And tomorrow's just a close your eyes away

There'll be thirty thousand mornings more
That'll you'll have to explore
The dreams that you might start to dream tonight
So William don't worry
It's way past time for turning out the lights

Hey William imagine
The wonders of the world you'll grow into
Who knows what will happen
In all the time you've got coming to you

You'll see things we've never seen
In places we have never been
And do things no-one's even thought of yet
So William imagine
It happening if you get back to bed

Maybe you'll live on the moon
And fly to work on Mars
Play songs beyond the Milky Way
On alien guitars
Take taxis to Atlantis
And then stranger still by far
You'll find out not all girls are boring
And hand over your heart

Hey William remember
To take with you and keep for all your life
On all your adventures
A little of the way you feel tonight

As time passes you'll find that it's
Easier to act as if it's
All been done and all been seen before
But William remember
There's always time to try and find out more

Hey William please wake up
My mind's alive with loads of things to do
And William I hope that
I get to share a few of them with you

posted by MJ Hibbett 4:11 PM

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

 

Tell Me Something You DO Like

Here come a herd of haircuts
From the Corporate Indie scene
Sheathed in black and leather jackets
And they sound like Primal Scream
Think they're clever, saying ever-
-rythings trash and drab and wrong
Their complaining does my BRANE IN
Makes me want to shout COME ON

Tell me something that you do like
Tell me something you think's GRATE
It's so dreary sitting listening
To your fashionable complaints

Pessimists are never disappointed
But they are disappointing
It's the smell of a life long coward
Who never stands up for anything
Especially if you're in a band
You don't HAVE to sing about girls
Come ON, use your imagination
Stand up, stand tall, and tell the WORLD

Tell us something that you do like
Tell us something you think RULES
Have the balls for once in your life
To risk someone thinking you're not cool

EXAMPLES OF TOPICS YOU MIGHT WISH TO DISCUSS:
The feel of a freshly sealed envelope
The smell of the pavement after rain
A yellow tit in an urban garden
Free tea and coffee on the train
The new series of Dr Who
The rolling gait of Scooby Doo
Euros, Truro, Lego Bricks
Come pucker up and give life a KISS

Tell me something OPTIMISTIC
Tell me how things really are
It is not being simplistic
To use your skills of WIT and CHARM to

Tell me something that you do like
Don't make out your life's a TRIAL
Tell me something bloody brilliant
Tell me something to make me SMILE

posted by MJ Hibbett 11:05 AM

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

 

If You Need Loving

If you are lonely I'll hang around
If you are wired and worried I will calm you down
If you have problems I'll come and sort them out
And if you're thirsty it's always my shout

And if you need loving (like I know you do)
And if you need loving (like I know you do)
And if you need loving I can do that too

If you are guilty I'll be your alibi
If you are tired of walking I will learn to drive
If you are blinded I'll describe everything
And if you're tired of talking I will learn to sing

And if you need loving (like I know you do)
And if you need loving (like I know you do)
And if you need loving I can do that too

(if you can't climb the stile) I will open the gate
(if we are going out) I'll pretend that we're not late
And if you're wondering why, I'd do these things for you
It's simply because I know that you'd do them for me too

(And if you need loving) like you know I do
(And if you need loving) like you know I do
(And if you need loving) I can do that too
I can do that too

posted by MJ Hibbett 10:52 AM

Thursday, March 17, 2005

 

Good Luck In Your New Job

It's a new job that you're starting today
And it'll be OK if you'll just bear in mind
A few pointers from me

Make sure you've got some cash and a packed lunch
In case they eat where they sit and then nip to the pub
It won't be good if you collapse across your table
In a Hypo-Glycaemic coma

In your new job that you're starting today

Try to find out how the dress code works
Don't wear a Hawaiin Shirt and find out the whole company's in mourning
For the Director and his daughter
Who drowned last week off Oahu

In your new job that you're starting today

Let's whistle while we work!

Before you launch into a monologue too lengthy
It's best to test the tone of conversation
If all they ever talk about is football and the telly
They might not want to hear about your prostate operations

And remember not to worry too much
Just relax and I'm sure you probably won't mess it up
Really badly and have to resign on your first day

In your new job that you're starting today
That your starting today
Good luck starting today

posted by MJ Hibbett 11:18 AM

Monday, March 07, 2005

 

The Other Rush Hour

According to the writers of the TV Guide
It's only just stopped being late last night
And the street lamps can't decide if their shift has ended
There's a parcel that I'm meant to be recieving
Between 7am and 6 o'clock this evening
So I'm up and out at twenty to to the the newsagent

I'm waiting for the man... in the delivery van

It's cold enough to see your breath
It's the time of day I usually prefer to spend in bed
So I'm surprised to find the High Road is alive with people
Maybe I'm amazed because I'm half awake
But it takes my mind a while to realise that they
Are the early risers who ride in before the office legions

On foot on bike and on the buses
They're rushing an hour before the other hour rushes
In the other rush hour

With paint streaked jeans there's a likely lad
Swinging his sandwiches in a carrier bag
As he strides through to find his fanbase waiting
He's the king among the women of the smoker's laugh
'Cos he reminds them of the good times that they used to have
When they only had themselves to get up in the morning

Getting in to punch the clock
Before my alarm clock's ringing's stopped
The other rush hour

I see a younger me on the top of a bus
Trying to impress girls by reading a book
Even though he'll never speak to the women he'll be working next to
He'll sit on his own when he's eating his lunch
He'll be going straight home when they go to the pub
He's too busy counting down the hours until the next semester

This working class colossus teeters
When he has to actually work with working class people
In the other rush hour

Now, in the corner shop there's a wall of flesh
On the covers of the magazines pretending they're for men
They're the photo's of the jobless actresses afraid and naked
While in the papers immigration and society parties
Mortgage rates and cancer scares and straight bananas
Fill space in the froth of pop and lies and hatred

Page 22 there's a cartoon Chav
A townie, a pikey, to be laughed at
By the other rush hour

As a snotty little sod of 17 years old
I was taken by the arm and very sternly told
That I was never to assume that I was better than other people
You see I'd grown up thinking we were Middle Class
But when I went to Polytechnic I soon found out that
There's a lot more to it than having double glazed bay windows

In the louche lidded eyes of the proper upper classes
I was just another atom in the faceless masses
To the other rush hour

My parcel spent my day off failing to arrive
I finally rang the depot at 5.45
And complained like a PTA chairman in a restaurant
I heard what I was doing and apologised
It was at this very moment that the van arrived
With a driver with a clipboard and a package and my guilty conscience

He said "I'm sorry it took so long to turn up"
But before he could explain i had to interrupt
And say "Yeah, we both got stuck - in another Rush Hour"

posted by MJ Hibbett 7:44 PM

Sunday, February 06, 2005

 

We Are The Validators

Pattison, Pattison, McClure, Machine and Me
Let's Go

We are The Validators
We are MJ Hibbett & The Validators
We are The Validators
We are. That's us. We're them. Let's go.

Two chaps, two Dads, one Mum
Bass, Guitar, Violin and Drums
We're here for the love, not for a pension
Para-rhymes and a little bit of alliteration

We are The Validators
We are MJ Hibbett & The Validators
We are The Validators
We are. That's us. We're them. Let's go.

We may appear archetypal
Dressed by GAP and by St Michael
But we do not need to look different
Because we ARE different

We are The Validators
We are MJ Hibbett & The Validators
We are The Validators
We are. That's us. We're them. Let's go.

posted by MJ Hibbett 1:02 PM

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

 

The Advent Calendar Of FACT

Door One	A Robin in a woodland scene
Door Two	A parcel with a bow
Door Three	A traditional Christmas Tree
Door Four	A pointless pile of snow
Door Five	It's a drunken mob of Carol Singers
Door Six	Appears to be a Christmas Sock
	It's the madness advent calenders bring us
	But here's one thing that it is not
	It's nothing like the Christmas that I know and like
	It's not like any Christmas I've had
	Don't bring me Advent Calenders of falsehood myth and LIES
	Bring me the Advent Calendar of FACT
Door seven	It's raining all day long
Door eight	Westlife at number one
Door nine	A child falls off a brand new bike
Door ten	A cat entangled in the Christmas Lights
Door Eleven	Someone saying "Let's play Triv!"
Door Twelve	Me not escaping to the pub
	It may not sound like it
	But this is something that I love
	This is the Christmas that I know and like
	This is all the Christmases I've had
	This is not a Calendar of falsehood myth or lies
	This is the Advent Calendar of FACT
Thirteen	Y-Fronts
Fourteen	Jumpers
Fifteen	Receipts kept just in case
Sixteen	Rude pants
Seventeen	"Massage" tools
Eighteen	The look on your Nan's face
	Being drunk at 9 am
	Seems like a Good Idea
	When combining your family
	With free wine, whisky, rum and beer
	And this is the Christmas that I know and like
	This is all the Christmases I've had
	This is not a Calendar of falsehood myth or lies
	This is the Advent Calendar of FACT
Nineteen	Half a jar of Cranberry Sauce
Twenty	A pile of washing up
Twenty One	Highlighter Pens in Radio Times
Twenty Two	A tape we'll never watch
Twenty Three	Burnt Brandy on a Christmas Pudding
	Nobody wants to eat
Twenty Four	Walnuts to watch the film with
	Then all falling fast asleep
	This is the Christmas that I know and like
	This is all the Christmases I've had
	This is not a Calendar of falsehood myth or lies
	This is the Advent Calendar of FACT

posted by MJ Hibbett 5:21 PM

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

 

Quality Of Life Enhancement Device
The flat I used to have had two sockets per room
So I had to juggle the white goods that I'd accrued
My CD listening was spoilt because I'd know
Afterwards I'd have to reprogram my video
Thus I existed with depleted Music Love
Until I spent two pounds upon a Four Way Plug...

it was a
Quality Of Life Enhancement Device
Quality Of Life Enhancement Device

I'd scold my hands by draining pasta with the lid
My nightmare ended on the day I bought a sieve
I used to queue up to buy tickets for the train
Now i can buy online within six working days
I used to spend hours trying to sweep up my flat
With a dustpan and brush, then i bought a mini-vac

it was a
Quality Of Life Enhancement Device
Quality Of Life Enhancement Device

And yes this also functions as a metaphor
For making little changes that make life much better or,
For seeing all the beauty in the smaller things of life
That we usually don't appreciate, and that is why
I'm setting up a webpage to collect a few e.g.s
I'd like you to email me with some QOLEDs

Give me your
Quality Of Life Enhancement Device
Quality Of Life Enhancement Device

I'm not joking about about this, send me everyday items that changed your life, and tell me why, and let's spread the love of...

posted by MJ Hibbett 7:36 PM

Thursday, October 07, 2004

 

Zipcodes
Here is a picture of me that I drew when I was nine
It's my plan to be a superhero
I think I'd thought my power to fight the fiends of Peterborough
Would involve X-Ray Specs because I'd seen an Advert which had said
"They see through clothes and skin"
But you couldn't ever get them in this country
You had to cut out a coupon From Marvel Two-In-One
Featuring The Thing (i.e. Ben Grimm)

But one thing for which they asked
Was the one thing I never had

A Zip Code
Never had a Zip Code
Never had a Zip Code
And I don't know what one is

I wanted to deliver Grit to my friends and neighbours
And raise Sea Monkeys as pets
I wanted a hundred and four model soldiers from the Civil War
To collect - though they didn't look like Cavaliers to me
And Oh! the cartoons advertised for Saturday mornings used to drive
Me mad with jealousy, for I was stuck with Beeb and ITV
Charles Atlas said he's make a man of me in 28
Days, though I still had nine years to wait

But like a Hostess cupcake or a twinkie
There's one thing which continued to elude me

A Zip Code
Never had a Zip Code
Never had a Zip Code
And I don't know what one is

But the sad day came when I
Rescinded from the comics life
To spend my money getting pissed
No more the panelologist
But then in 1999
A new thought fluttered through my mind
SO i paid 2 pounds 95
To the newsagent, just to find
Out what they'd call 2000AD
When it was 2000AD
They called it
2000AD
But, reunited with Judge Dredd
I went to the attic and read
The complete works of Alan Moore
And John Byrnes run on Fantastic Four
Crisis On Infinite Earths
Hellblazer, the Dark Knight Returns
Squadron Supreme, Nexus and Groo
And soon i found myself drawn to
The local comic shop, where I
Found that those comics that I'd liked
Had had a sharp increase in Price
And then I heard myself, aged nine
Solemnly telling my step-dad
Comics are an investment that
Will be worth an awful lot one day
So i rushed home, and to EBay
But my attempts to register
Were almost instantly deterred
I staggered,stumbled and I reeled
When I saw a required field

Was an enemy I knew so well
I fell back from the keyboard and shouted - what the hell

Is a Zipcode?
Never had a Zip Code
Never had a Zip Code
And I don't know what one is

Here is a picture of me aged thirty, crouched over a screen
Where my American pen pal had told me what a zipcode means
The internet was young with hardly anyone online
So international colloquialism translation took up all our time
I sold those comics and bought more, by Grant Morrison and Alan Moore
Now, I love comics and I'm glad that I have got my hobby back
But things had changed, no more hand-lettered panels and the colour's better
And all the adverts are full page - but hey!

They glamour and the mystery has been eroded
Now everybody knows it's a post code

A postcode.

posted by MJ Hibbett 4:17 PM

Monday, September 27, 2004

 

Rock And ROll Mayhem
In Birmingham I met an Author
He writes books, that's what authors do
I said "I Love Your Work"
He said "Who are you?"

Cos I'm on tour
Rock and Roll Mayhem

In Glasgow I woke up at 3am
And made for the toilet door
I found myself stark bollock naked
Locked out in the hotel corridor

Cos I'm on tour
Rock and Roll Mayhem

In Hull I refuted media allegations
That the Validators had split up
Met the New York anti-folk poet Jeffrey Lewis
And shared a Manly Hug

Cos I'm on tour
Rock and Roll Mayhem

In Sheffield we played an illegal warehouse rave
It was like Andy Warhol at The Factory
I did two encores
And then we went Clubbing In The Week

Cos I'm on tour
Rock and Roll Mayhem

In London we enjoyed a Rock Cliche
When I stopped and the audience sang "Payday"
Oh baby there was a lot of love there at the end
When me and Adam and Team Frankie said let's do it again

Cos we're on tour
Rock and Roll Mayhem
Yeah we're on tour
Rock and Roll Mayhem
Oh we're on tour
Rock and Roll Mayhem
Let's go on tour
Rock and Roll Mayhem

posted by MJ Hibbett 9:03 AM

Thursday, July 29, 2004

 

Looking At My Hands
I was looking at my hands
They were the hands of an old man
Somewhere there's a pensioner running round with wrists that are not his
Oh Lord and in the name of love
Return to me the contents of my gloves

I was looking at my face
Looming like the warlike planet deep in deepest space
With martian canal lines and a hint of polar ice
When did the planet go cold?
And when did it get so old?

But, that said, I like being thirty
I like being in my thirties as I'm not quite thirty now
Oh yes, I like
Knowing what my mind is, and knowing that I'm right

I was looking at my clothes
Where did my days as a Dandy go?
I'm dressed as if I'm going to a Parent Teacher Barbecue
I used to cut a rug across the discotheques of Britain
I stood proudly bequiffed but now part of my quiff is missing


But then
I thought about my friends
I've got to say these days, they're all bloody GRATE
I used to hang around with a right bunch of arsey pillocks
I don't see them much nowadays and I can't say I miss them

Oh yes, I like being thirty
I like being in my thirties as I'm not quite thirty now
I feel deeply satisfied
Knowing what my mind is, also knowing that I'm right

When I was 24
I was pretty sure that I knew the score
A snappy answer for each eventuality
I thought I had it sorted but, in actuality
I didn't have a clue what to do with my life
I still don't but now I don't mind
I'm feeling good and I'm looking groovy
You dare to doubt it? So, sue me.

I was looking at my MIND
Glistening with fitness from the fountain of my life
Still undergoing training in my biography's gymnasium
Every day in every way
I'm becoming more applaudable than even I was yesterday

That's why
It doesn't really matter if my hairline gets too high
It's only making space for enlargement of the brain
If my back aches it's cos it is carrying
The equipment of a stallion

Oh yes, I like being thirty
I like being in my thirties as I'm not quite thirty now
I feel contented and free
In a mental landscape where I'm happy being me

posted by MJ Hibbett 6:57 AM

Saturday, July 03, 2004

 

The Fair Play Trophy
July 4th Version

Well it's all nearly over, it's been bloody GRATE
I've enjoyed it even though we only made the last eight
Unlike Wimbledon it's watchable without having to shout for Tim
But when Alan, Gary, Motty and Ian Wright go home
We'll be left with disappointment cos we'll always know
That there's one trophy that we'd hoped for that we thought that we were going to win

They gave the Fairplay Trophy to the Dutch
But UEFA made an error in their judgement as I see it because
Dick Advacaat said "No Thank you very much"
Which I don't think's very sporting, no, they should have given it to us

Well there's been a lot to love since we were mugged by France
Like Collina's smiling face and Phil Scolari's dance
Rooney running down the middle and Bobby Robson getting all confused (come on lad, what are you going to do?)
Maniche scoring from the corner and poor Italy
The Czechs against the Dutch, the French losing to Greece
Now my evenings will be free and I don't know what I am going to do

Don't make me watch Big Brother yet again
Don't make me try to watch the cricket and pretend I even care who wins
The Olympics will not be the same
But we'll watch the synchrosed swimming with a pint and a cheesy grin

Here's my prediction for tonight
Nuno Gomes will turn out to be Milan Baros in disguise
The winners' gonna win it in the final minute of the night
And the first half will be... not as good as the second

Give us the Fair Play Trophy once again
Cos it's the team that's the nicest that's the one that actually wins
Give us the fair play trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin
We'll face the final in the pub confused by the Portugese cameramen with a cheesy grin

posted by MJ Hibbett 12:07 PM

Thursday, July 01, 2004

 

The Day That Thatcher's Dead
They're saying Ronald Reagan
Was the Master Of Diplomacy
Because he ended the Cold War
With only Thatcher there to help him
They say he led the world in times
That were more optimistic
I don't know about you but
That is not how I remember it
The constant crushing certainty
Of nuclear oblivion
Was ended by East Germans in Berlin
Not politicians
When warmongers seek credit
For a peace they didn't want
They've got one eye on the history books
The other's on the clock

Well I was there and I will not forget
The fight for history begins the day that Thatcher's dead

The two-faced slip-on socialists
Who helped her stay in power
Are now driving round in company cars
Charging a thousand pounds an hour
To reassure the wage slaves who think
They're the wage slaves' masters
That they're modern and creative
Whilst behind the drums beat faster
And we've all got to pretend that
We now like Edwina Currie
And that Steven Norris isn't
A corrupt adulterous bully
All the smiling lying psycopaths
Who we finally deposed
Are now creeping into reality
TV and phone-in shows

Well I was there and I will not forget
The fight for history begins the day that Thatcher's dead

Down in Soho all the pea-brained
Preening pamphlet-headed peacocks
Try to make out it's iconic
Wearing Council-hair and pop-socks
And paint the Eighties as an age
Of decadence and glamour
As if the miners' strike, the poll tax
And BSE had never happened
As if Section 28 was never
Passed into the law
As if Osama Bin Laden wasn't
Paid to fight our wars
As if the institutionalised
Were never turfed onto the streets
Into a new society
They said did not exist

And if you think it's past and put to rest
You wait until the wave of lies the day that Thatcher's dead
For I was there and I will not forget
The fight for history begins the day that Thatcher's dead

posted by MJ Hibbett 8:23 AM

Saturday, June 26, 2004

 

The Fair Play Trophy (again)
June 27th Version

Well, it might not have been the best idea of Sven's
To spend 87 minutes playing in defence
Due to Irish Blood, English Heart with Broken Meta-Tarsal, AND
Like a compilation tape made in English Hell
Add to Waddle Pierce and Southgate, Darius Vassell
Sol Campbell robbed again and Beckham beaten by a pile of sand

It was the same old story once again
And if we're honest we were beaten by eleven slightly better men
It was the same old story once again
And we'll watch the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

Still we weren't the only ones, cos Italy
Fell to Eurovision hands across the Kattegak Sea
The Acropolis Apocalypse means Santini can visit Mrs Ledley King (in the maternity wing)
And with the Germans gone here's a happy thought
We'll be spoilt for choice for teams that we can still support
I like the Czechs, cos Nedved looks the sort to wear his mittens on a piece of string (you know what i mean)

And it's the same old story once again
Choosing new nations we can cheer on so we've got an interest in the way the final's played
Email me photoshopped pictures of that game
And we'll watch the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

And as the football powers of Europe all change
And we learn to pronounce a new range of names
The English team could still win it, in 2006
Unless the referee is Swiss

Then we'll get the Fairplay Trophy once again
Cos it's the team that's the nicest that's the one who actually win
Give us the Fairplay Trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin
We'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

posted by MJ Hibbett 1:42 PM

Friday, June 18, 2004

 

The Fair Play Trophy (again)
June 20th Version

So, i was sitting all agog watching Croatia France
Scribbling on a bit of paper working out the maths
Calculating different ways the game'd go and therefore what we need (to proceed)
It's something I'm well used to from supporting the Posh
When we're 2/3rds through the season hanging over the drop
At least its nice to know the nation as a whole will now know how we feel

When we win the Fair Play Trophy once again
When it's the team that's the nicest that's the one who actually wins
We'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

For instance Chelsea fans who in the 89th
Were winning by a goal would think that they would be all right
They must have been surprised to find we're Derby County in disguise
Still, we beat the Swiss although it must be said
That it was more a rainy Friday night in Birkenhead
Than anything to keep the Greeks from getting any sleep at night

Still, we'll get the Fair Play Trophy once again
Cos it's the team that's the nicest that's the one who actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

And Scholes, Rooney, James and Lampard
Have all been shown the Yellow Card
Which doesn't help us in our quest (to be the nicest if not the best)
But if we're lovely to Croatia, we might still get

To win the fair play trophy once again
Cos it's the team that's the nicest that's the one who actually wins
We want the Fair Play Trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin
We'll face the final in the pub with Francesco Totti and a cheesy grin

posted by MJ Hibbett 9:49 AM

Monday, June 14, 2004

 

The Fair Play Trophy (again)
June 13th 2004 version

Alan Hansen says we'll make the last 8 teams
I've got Switzerland to win it in the Office Sweep
And it seems the portugese reserve goalkeeper's name is really Quim
Sven appears to be a fan of Diamond Lights
So all in all it makes it hard to stay polite
But I know that that's a competition Eng-er-land are there to win

But we'll get the fair play trophy once again
Because it's the team that's the nicest
That's the one that actually wins
We want the fair play trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

The good news for tonight is that I hear the French
Will be acting quite distracted and be slightly tense
They've been banned from va-va-voom before the match by Jacques Santini
They'll be scanning round the ground for any belle madames
Un jolie femme'll catch his eye and so distract ZIDANE
But David Beckham, as we know, will be behaving impeccably

And we'll get the fair play trophy once again
Because it's the team that's the nicest
That's the one that actually wins
We want the fair play trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

And if we can't get the french to concede
Or if we bottle it, like the Portugese
If commentators get to say when we play the Swiss (in their post match analaysis)
A load of jokes about defensive holes, I'll still tell you this

We'll get the fair play trophy once again
Because it's the team that's the nicest
That's the one that actually wins
We want the fair play trophy once again
And we'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

We'll face the final in the pub with a pint and a cheesy grin

posted by MJ Hibbett 8:05 AM

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

 

Control Alt Delete
Control Alt and Delete
They're the only buttons that you need
If you get blue screen of death
Stretch your hands apart and press
Ctrl-Alt-Delete

If machines receive malign intelligence
We've got one last way of mounting a defence
If they think that they're above us
And start playing silly buggers
Control Alt Delete

But it's a secret known by a small lucky few
For looking clever when we haven't got a clue
Say "I've found your problem" then
Apply the Helpdesk's brand of ZEN
Control Alt Delete

Let's reboot the mainframe!

Control Alt Delete

posted by MJ Hibbett 10:05 PM

Monday, May 03, 2004

 

Never Going Back To Aldi's

I left Poly in the '90's when there wasn't any jobs
I'd signed up for highbrow affluence. That wasn't what i got
Deducting drink from dole money didn't leave a lot
I had to shop around for bargains, had to shop in certain shops

'Cos after social life and rent
I found my money mostly spent

So I had to go and shop at Aldi's
Pound stretcher Lidls Costcutter, all them
Four tins of beans for 20 pence is rarely seen in Mark & Spencers
So off to Aldi's I went

But it turned out ZX Spectrum use gave me a skill for work
And I took up typing audio as a very junior clerk
As my words per minute rate rose so did I up through the grades
Till I earnt a temporary secretary's starting wage

And though you'd hardly call me rich
I had enough cash to say this:

I am never going back to Aldi's
I will never give a penny more to them
I'm gonna pledge my troth to Tesco, Sainsbury's or maybe Waitrose
I will never darken Aldi's door again

And you may ask me why
I prefer to pay a higher price
You see a fridge full of nice things is my equivalent of bling
It's a sign of my progression through my life

So when I say I'm never going back to Aldi's
I mean I'm charting a new course for quality
I'll sail the seas of excellence, I'll count my blessings, not my pence
Because I'm worth it, yes, I'll fly the flag of me

I'm wearing clothes that won't collapse after one turn in the wash
I'm buying records that I like whether they're cool or not
And I'll do the same for books and films, and when it comes to wine
I'll buy a bottle with a cork in that costs four pounds ninety nine

To The Spice Girls I said "Yes"
But I refused to accept Steps

Because I'm never going back to Aldi's
No I'm never going back there again
I worked for years for what I've got, so do not bring me pound shop pop
Nor will I buy into brown label literacy

And I'm never going back to Aldi's

posted by MJ Hibbett 1:09 PM

Monday, April 26, 2004

 

Dino At The Sands

I thought the show was over
So I went and got my coat on
And put my things into a paper bag
But when I came out
I saw you dancing with the dancing girls
And yes, it made me sad

Because I thought you were my friend
And now I feel like Eric at the end

All that I was doing
Was trying to sing a song
But then I heard applause and I knew that you'd come on
You did Deputy Dog
You told a load of jokes
And I never did get to sing my song

And I thought you were my friend
But now I feel like Sidney at the end

On the road to Rio
You and me and Dorothy Lamour
I thought she loved me
But she loved you more

All your horseplay
And your demands and antics
Drove me to distraction and drink, so
When I got the offer
I went with Sam and Francis
To the desert where we played the greatest show

And now its me who gets to sing and dance
And I feel like Dino at The Sands

posted by MJ Hibbett 10:42 AM

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

 

Mental Judo
I did a gig
In a venue that was slightly too big
For the six people who were there
Including the other band
As I said to them
We should cherish being here as friends
It isn't something we will see again
Said the promoter

Oh, who cares
If there's never anybody else there
I'll tell you what we're gonna do
Mental Judo

Let's enjoy it for what it is
This way we can hang around and chat and get pissed
We might as well have some fun while we're alive

For my birthday one year
Two of my friends took me out for a beer
They'd invited other people I knew
To come and meet me
I didn't mind
That hardly any of them arrived
But the other two spent the whole night
Going on about it

I said I don't care
If there's never anybody else there
Ill tell you what we're gonna do
Mental Judo

This way a round'll be cheap
And we'll be sure that we all get a seat
When we go out dancing - 'cos we're going out dancing

Now I know this job
Is not exactly your dream job
But still, it pays the bills
And you can keep looking
And I know you'd like
To be accompanied in bed at night
You'd like to reach out to turn out the light
And find another human being

No, it's not fair
That's there's never anybody else there
So I'll tell you what you wanna do
Mental Judo

Without responsibilities
You could apply to colleges
Why not jack it all in and do the something that you really want to do?
Mental judo

Go get a new career
Go drink cheap student beer
No mortgage, no boss
No stress no work, no loss and
On campus the chances
Of finding new romances
Are greater than they've been
On the shopfloor, and on the dancefloor

We don't know where
We're gonna find ourselves somebody who'll care
But until then, all we've got to do
Is Mental Judo

Stop yearning
Start learning
The only person stopping you from doing it is you so
Mental Judo

posted by MJ Hibbett 1:39 PM

Monday, March 29, 2004

 

Closer to you

I got into cars and trains
And trams and buses and aeroplanes but
None of them brought me closer to you

I walked down lanes and country tracks
Down boulevards, round cul-de-saces but
None of them brough me closer to you

But sat up in bed with our tea for two
The Saturday Guardian and Radio 2
These are the things that bring me closer to -
These things bring me closer to you
Closer to you

During the summer of '93
I thought it was a good idea to sport a small goatee and
That didn't bring me closer to you

I learnt to talk about organic beer
And drank in a gay pub for two years and
That didn't bring me closer to you

But watching my watch at the foot of the stairs
When we should be long gone but you're still drying your hair...
These are the things that bring me closer to -
These things bring me closer to you
Closer to you

Closer to you
Closer to you
These are the things that bring me closer to you

Getting all drunk when I'm out on my own
Trying to be quiet coming in, and knowing you know...
These are the things that bring me closer to -
These things bring me closer to you
Closer to you

posted by MJ Hibbett 9:53 PM

Friday, March 12, 2004

 

Let The Weird Band Win
Let the weird band win in the battle of the bands
Don't let the funk band win it just because they've got more fans
Let's reward imagination, let's applaud their spirit and
Let's let the weird band win in the battle of the bands

You know the ones I mean, they'll have a bloody stupid name
An eclectic range of instruments that none of them can play
And a singer who can't sing, I think it's fairly safe to say
That they're only here because another band has run away

But the songs that they sing
Are about all sorts of things
That no one else has sung about
Or thought about before

Let the weird band win in the battle of the bands
Don't let the blues band win it just because they've got more fans
Let's reward imagination, let's applaud their spirit and
Let's let the weird band win in the battle of the bands

And they're talking to the audience, they're trying to explain
As they stand and sing their hearts out from the island of of the stage
In a set where no two songs will sound in any way the same
They've have found a way to use a plectrum at the same time as a brain

But they're roundly ignored
With sarcastic applause
And the judges will smirk
smile and try to look bored

Because the weird band can't win the battle of the bands
They'll let the punk band win it just because they've got more fans
They wouldn't know imagination if it bit them on the arse
That's why the weird band can't win in the battle of the bands

The enemy's in leather jackets, over denim jackets
Wearing hats of all descriptions and their sun glasses indoors
They started shooting moody glances when a girlfriend started dancing
To our heroes' shambling antics, but she didn't stop because

The songs that they sing
Are about all sorts of things
That no one else has sung about
Or thought about before

And like the first drop of a monsoon something marvellous begins
As all around her other girlfriends start to hear the words they sing
And as the rain falls harder round her and the waters rise up high
It might just be tonight's the night the judges judge the damn thing right

And let the weird band win in the battle of the bands
As the righteous waves wash clean the worlds of other people's fans
And they're applauded for intelligence, imagination and
They let the weird band win in the battle of the bands

The songs that they sing
Are about all sorts of things
And nothing like this has ever happened
To any weird band before

posted by MJ Hibbett 10:40 PM

Sunday, February 22, 2004

 

Like A Sun In The Night

Late at night on the building site
He's watching windows, his reflection's
Are looking back at another night
That might as well have never happened

Nobody
Ever comes to bother him, there's
Nobody
Knocking on the Portacabin tonight

But when his radio plays
Dark turns into day
The sounds of it shine
Like a sun in the night

Chucking out time was hours ago
She's sat through queues of hungry drunks who
Paid their dues down the metal chute
Now petrol pumps are the only ones who

See her go
She sets off home wrapped in silent armour
Nobody's
Awake enough to try to harm her tonight

Then his radio plays
Dark turns into day
The sounds of it shine
Like a sun in the night

At the sound of the songs she raises her eyes and, to her surprise
A security guard catches her eye, he looks up and smiles and waves his hand, mouthing "Hi!"
It's the first human being he's spoken to tonight
She puts her hand on her hips and does a daft dance as if to say
"This is ridiculous!"
He stands too and they dance together across the road
Two lonely lives making contact in the first hours of the morning

When his radio plays
Dark turns into day
The sounds of it shine
Like a sun in the night

Now every night
He looks for her, she looks for him
There's nobody
Ever sees their silent summers at night

When his radio plays
Dark turns into day
The sounds of it shine
Like a sun in the night

posted by MJ Hibbett 2:53 PM

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

 

Breaks In The Journey

You'd never take a map
You'd never think of deviating
From your list of junctions that
Are your means of navigating
With sandwiches and thermos flask
No need to stop at service stations
You've run your life like that
Your confidence and faith's amazing

But will you ever
Start to think
I wish I could have stopped more often
Stopped and looked at wildlife centres
Took a trip round national monuments
Walked across a public footpath

Me, I took the scenic route
Had no idea where I was going
Thatcher'd ripped up all the road signs
Public transport's eyes were closing
But though I'd never win the races
Strolling home on Shanks's pony
I talked to people and saw places
That I'd never dreamt of knowing

But will I ever
Start to think
I wish I hadn't stopped so often
But put myself on firmer footings
Paid my bills, spent more time working
Early nights and forward thinking

Your autobiography's been
Written arse to tit
You wrote the final chapter first
And worked backwards from it
I've made mine up going along
No clue what's coming next
I doubt my memoirs'll ever have a
Definitive accepted text
I was too busy making facts to check
That the whole thing overall made sense
It makes no sense
At least not yet

My footwell's full of souvenirs
My paintwork's patched and dated
The seats are ripped and stained with beer
But it's a car that I've created
And anyway our destination's
Always been the same
And if I find you got there first
You won't hear me complain

And if I ever
Start to think
Should I not have stopped so often?
I'll think of all those wildlife centres
Memories of national monuments
Friends I met on public footpaths

posted by MJ Hibbett 2:19 PM

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

 

City Centres

Every week in Sunday papers
Some silly sod is bound to say
That the fact that British High Streets
Have the same national chains
Means that all our city centres
Are now utterly the same
It seems that life within the M25
Gives you brand names on the brain

Because they say that City Centres
All look the same
Because our modern city centres
Have been taken over by shopping chains

Lift your mind beyond the signs
Of the franchises and you'll find
That the hills and stone of Sheffield (for instance)
Are no way alike
To Peterborough's bricks and flatness
Or to Truro or to Milton Keynes
Even though they've all got Marks & Spencers
Boots and Body Shop and HMV

Yet you say that City Centres
All look the same
Because our modern city centres
Have been taken over by shopping chains

Go get a book and look
At the city 90 years ago
You'll find it in the Local History section
Of Smiths or Waterstones
The architecture's lasted, the street layout's the same
The weather and geography all remain
Only names on shopfronts
And moustaches have been changed

Yet they say that City Centres
They all look the same
I think it's you that's turning Mental
You've been taken over by shopping chains

And if you think that City Centres
They all look the same
I think it's you that's turning Mental
You've been taken over by shopping chains

posted by MJ Hibbett 5:26 PM

Friday, November 21, 2003

 

Girlfriend Alarmed

Girlfriend alarmed
By the power of our post-pub conversations
I simply made a remark
Bringing your reproductive systems into question
She's says that I went too far
But we were like this before we even had loins to mention
It's just the way we are
We've been behaving this way since we were both eleven

Look at all the other men in the pub
They'll be talking like us
Talking so loud, that you will never hear

That the words we say
Don't neccessarily match the reasons we are saying them
You've really got to translate
It into beer, then to football, into playground and back again
You don't believe me, but hey
Maybe that's the whole point, like it's a gigantic smokescreen
For us to keep saying the same,
Without an outsider understanding deeper meanings

Look at all the other men in the pub
They'll be talking like us
Telling the stories we've told ten times before

But none of us mind
It's the way you tell it, not how up to date it is
And anyway over time
It'll change and evolve beyond the means of the journalist
Like cave men out for the night
We like to sit by the fire and tell the tales of our tribe and it's
True, listen well and you'll find
You'll be joining in next time when it gets to the good bit

Look at all the other men in the pub
They'll be talking like us
Talking like us... 'cos when you think about it

Men have been this way since the start of time
When hunting mammoth there's no time for affection
We've learnt a language rooted deep in violence
So softer feelings creep in in disguise without detection
It's not just girls we tease to tell them that we like them
Most of my best friends - I've had to fight them
We don't bear grudges, we bear trays of drinks to tables
It all goes into making the next round of drinking fables

I've got the scars to show how much some of my closer friends like me

So there you go
I wouldn't worry about me calling Neil an idiot
He already knows
I didn't mean it when I said he was feckless and ignorant
You can ask him yourself
But first I'll ring him to tell him it's OK to unmask me
Oh yeah - he'd better, or else
I'll be in trouble like all my forefathers before me

Look at all the other men in the pub
They'll be talking like us
To their girlfriends,
Girlfriend alarmed

posted by MJ Hibbett 3:28 PM

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